Retreat!

This weekend was the OC singles retreat. Dang, I missed fall in Tennessee. Aside from the obvious football fanaticism, the retreat was at a camp about half an hour from Dickson, and the scenery was absolutely amazing. Fall in God's country, it is. Forget that stupid ocean, Malibu Librarian. You know you want to come back.

The retreat was really good. Worship last night was awesome, and Dan did a great communion today. And there was trivia and Mafia, which always make things great. (Even if I did get killed. Honestly, everybody blames the quiet ones. We're not always shifty. I am an innocent townsperson.) Anyway, I have been thinking so much this weekend and lately it hurts my head.

I am a blessed girl. I have a family I love more and more every time I see them. I have friends all over the place I know I can call. I have a job that I like going to the vast majority of the time and allows me to not have to worry about money. I'm getting involved in a great church. I mean, I really don't have much to complain about. But I would really like to get married eventually. At the moment I'd take a date. Sometimes I feel completely loopy - I mean, I'm 25, and I'm worrying about being the old crazy spinster aunt. (This is likely not helped by the fact that my brother once informed me I would be his kids' "weird aunt Jen." He claims not to remember this statement. I believe our relationship has now grown to the point where I would just be "aunt.") Anyway, eventually I want a best friend, a guy I'm comfortable around, a guy who knows me better than anyone. Sometimes I wonder if that kind of relationship only exists in the movies. But then I see friends of mine and I know it doesn't. (Plus movie boyfriends are not reality boyfriends - this much I have observed. Unless we're talking Napoleon and Deb or something.)

My biggest problem, I think, is that I want this so much I'm afraid it's getting in the way of my faith. They say the thing you should want most is to be with God - but I feel like I already havethat. Not that I don't have to keep working at it, but it's attainable by his grace. It's a certainty, and I am thankful beyond words for that. Human love is not a certain thing. And I hate uncertainty. Last week with Granddad was nothing but, and it drove me up the wall. (Yeah, I'm sure it wasn't fun for him either.) I don't think it's a lack of faith that God will provide what is best for me. I think it's more that I want a great marriage to be that at some point, and I don't know if it is. I like to know things. I like to have a plan. Maybe it's partially that that's bothering me. (Wow. Blogging is like cheap therapy.) The point is that I've been praying about this for a long time, and the desire is still there. I feel incomplete right now - not that I need someone else to be a complete person, in my own eyes or in God's, but I feel like there's more in store for me. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, but I hope not. I have a lot to offer. I'm not an overdramatic girly girl. I am content to watch football for hours on Saturdays. I think I'm low-maintenance. (Of course, I could be the worst kind: "You think you're low-maintenance, but you're really high-maintenance." If you don't get that quote, I have a movie you need to see.) I guess we'll just have to see what happens. Argh. And I hate that.